


What She Deserves

by jensening



Series: Chasefield Adventures [3]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Grateful, Guilt, Mentions of Suicide, Sadness, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 05:56:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4735061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jensening/pseuds/jensening
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Victoria knows what she deserves, and Max isn't it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What She Deserves

She looks at you like you know you don't deserve her to. She looks at you with this openness, this trust in her swimming blue eyes, this love that could so easily turn to vulnerability, and that vulnerability that could so easily turn to hurt, to anger, to hate.

You feel like you should be remorseful, the way she looks at you. But you're too selfish. When she looks at you, you can only feel this burning happiness; one that makes your eyes sting and your throat clog, your chest constrict as if you were having a heart attack. It's a happiness so pure and bright, it gives you hope that Max might actually make you a better person.

But you know that people can't change, even if they want to.

So, instead, when you hold her in your arms you always do it a little tighter than necessary, always tell her you love her more vehemently than you mean to. You count the seconds you spend with her as one more second than you should have had; count each time she looks at you with those eyes – eyes too pure and deep to have seen the bad of this world, but eyes you know have seen demons worse than your own. You kiss her every chance you get, smile at her in the selfish hope that she'll smile back, that you could memorise it, add it to all the other smiles of hers that you have memorised, ready to spoil yourself with her happiness on a rainy day.

You don't deserve the gifts she buys you, like the little plush tortoise she'd bought you because she said that it reminded her of you, of your relationship – reminded her because tortoises are slow, she'd said, and sometimes they don't really know where they're going, but they walk anyway, and sometimes they realise they've gone the wrong way and have to turn around and start all over again, slowly plod along, but that it's okay because their home is always with them. She said it was like your relationship with her, and you hadn't known what to do or say, so you had kissed her and cried. You didn't know how to tell her that you didn't deserve her, or her gift, because she wouldn't have believed you.

Max sees the best in people. That's what kept Kate alive that night, and it's what keeps your heart beating now, because God knows you don't deserve it to.

You practically pushed Kate up to that ledge, after all.

Max keeps people alive. You make people wish they were dead.

Max doesn't see this. Max doesn't see this and it frustrates you to tears because you are so fucking happy she doesn't see this – only sees your manipulative, evil nature as this mistake that you can just turn around and make alright, like a damn tortoise.

You hate yourself because she loves you, but you love her for doing it. Love her so much you feel your heart will burst –

So, when you kiss her, you are gentle. For her, and for yourself.

People can't change, is what you tell yourself. But then you remember that you used to bully Max, that you pushed Kate up to that roof – realise, now, that you're dating the girl you bullied, and laughing with the girl you used to laugh at.

People can't change, you tell yourself, guilt-ridden.

But Max loves you because she knows you already have.


End file.
